Loss of a Baby through Miscarriage
When Marie Allen and Shelly Marks miscarried, each believed herself to be the only woman in the world who felt profound grief over a miscarriage. Each felt torn apart by an event the world minimized. "It’s only a miscarriage" they heard from family, medical staff, and friends. They didn’t trust that they had a right to grieve, and they couldn’t heal. Both felt painfully alone.
Marie and Shelly met and discovered detailed and striking similarities in their grief. They were inspired to conduct extensive original research on the emotional impact of miscarriage on women, through in-depth interviews of 100 women. Their miscarriages included blighted ova, ectopic, molar, and multiple pregnancy losses, miscarriages which occurred when women were not aware yet that they had even been pregnant, when one twin survived, when elective abortion already had been scheduled, and others. Prevalent among the women were expressions of profound grief: "All the slats were knocked out from under me. That baby was real for me. I’d set out for the grocery store and end up not knowing where I was. Once I got there, I’d sob in the corner." "I would smile for the outside world to see. But inside, I was dying. My miscarriage was 21 years ago, yet I have absolute recall of the devastation and the sadness."
All the while, their communities were unaware of the emotional impact of miscarriage, and did not offer the needed support. The women’s miscarriages were treated as small disappointments or as non-losses. The women themselves did not realize that their secret and seemingly crazy thoughts and feelings were not only normal, but actually shared among them. They felt painfully alone as well as confused and frightened. Their struggle in grieving and their difficulty in healing the special kind of loss were extraordinary: "No one understood. I felt like an alien. I felt so isolated and alone, and unable to understand what was going on or how to express what I was feeling. It was so difficult. I lost my voice. I wasn’t sick. I just lost my voice."
The authors put their explanatory and statistical findings as well as countless personal experiences into a warm, comforting, and compassionate book for other women. The book is an affirmation of women’s feelings and a confirmation of their right to those feelings. Reassured by new knowledge about what they’re going through and how to evolve through the process of grieving, readers gain an expanded understanding of themselves. Most importantly, their great sense of loneliness is bridged as they are directly and intimately connected through the book with 100 other women from across the United States.
The book also includes interviews with fathers about how men are affected. The book provides clear guidance for families and friends, and comprehensive lists of ways fathers, children, clergy, morticians, support group leaders, and medical and mental health professionals can help in the healing process. The book’s foreword is by Richard F. Jones, III, MD, FACOG, Former President, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, who wrote, "Women who miscarry must not and need not be left in emotion isolation. I am pleased that this timely and sensitive reflection on miscarriage now is available to grieving women and to those who are involved in their lives."
Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart by Marie Allen, Ph.D. and Shelly Marks, M.S., is published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. of New York, and is available and/or orderable through bookstores internationally.
Permission to copy and/or distribute this Patient Education Material (© 1994, updated 1998) in entirety, is granted by Allen & Marks.